To Stay Or To Flee..?

When does love stop being enough to glue us together? When did love become so evil? So hurtful? So strong…

Binded with the phrase “I love you”, when does it become more than a burden than a virtue?
He dropped a seed of doubt in my mind and watered it with his stupid lies… Now he blames me for the poisonous plant that has flowered and wound its way through me when it’s his baby and he is the only one that can trim and rid me of it…
Sometimes I feel he enjoys seeing me errupt, he enjoys hiding his flaws in me, feeling innocent… Sometimes I feel he uses me to erase his sins for I am the true sinner.

Knowing my mind tricks me, knowing the complications he promised to accept me, promise me it’s worth it, yet… Every fight he shouts it’s me, every flaw is mine. Taking advantage of my cracks he slowly drips the self loath into them, his quiet words so loud to my ears, telling me it’s all me, it’s my fault…

To what extent is it true?

I am destroying you or are you destroying me?

When did this stop being love..? Or is it still? I can’t make it out anymore, it blurs through the tears that are constantly on the verge of escaping my eyes.

We smile and tell our story, embellishments making people wish it were their own but behind closed doors the days pass and my self loath builds, my anger creeps towards him for preferring hobbies to me… Staring into that mobile screen where he used to stare into my eyes… Lips attatched to that blunt instead of my skin. Yet it’s me… I get angry for no reason, I blame him for the rain, the wind he says, when he doesn’t realise that I blame him for the butterflies in my chest, the love in my eyes.

My fragile heart, tangled with a broken body was not ready for a love like this… The most exquisite poison that is him, my goodnight lullaby. Hugging him whilst he sleeps deeply, peacefully and I cry as he left me alone yet again. Alone with only my thoughts to acompany me, the worst company… And still I hug him before sleeping at dawn, even when I’m angry, I hug him, how couldn’t I?
Even when he breaks me, I love him.

 

My mind screams… I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t face another fight. Convinced it’s me now, I am the monster, I push him away, with the simplest words he’s gone, it’s not hard, he doesn’t try to fix anything, he’s far too proud… I mean all too little although later he insists it’s not true… But actions speak louder than our fights and each fight ends with my pride disolving whilst his stands strong.

RUN. Don’t say sorry anymore.

Break the dirty plates that never got cleaned, burn the house that echoes of fights and slamming doors, free the ghosts and run…

Run, you are the problem there’s no solution to, run before you end up dead.
Run, until you forget you hate yourself, until you’re too exhausted to remember your own name and can take another. Run until you blow away, run until you’re gone… Run…

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