Somebody once said that if an artist fell in love with you, you could never die…
So applying this rule… If I loved myself… Would I become immortal?
I feel no right to call you any other way, as that is what we are now… Correct? We are strangers, just born on the same day, at the same time… By the same mother… With the same reflection, yet I do not recognise you anymore, I sometimes ask you who you are but I see the tears welling up in your eyes, I can see you can’t get the words out without choking and it hurts me, so I look away and hope to know the answer one day.
I feel the cool floor as she moves from room to room, her feet splaying like those of a duck as she tries not to slip, the water still running down her body and pooling around each step. She stops as she passes the mirror. Her eyes scanning her body without a smile.
“Smile fool, smile!” I chant in my head, “Just look at you, you are a woman, with the body of one.”
She ran her hands through her messy hair, past her face, over her hips, coming to land on her stomach, her swollen womb, about to bleed, a curse for not bearing a child, a curse upon all women but still she looks at it in disgust, in shame.
Unlike me, that sees a woman, being what she is meant to be in all its glory. I see a body that is doing its best in the condition it’s in, fighting from the inside, shedding painfully, swollen, sore; as if a decorator had come to scrape the wallpaper off and start a fresh, ‘baby pink’ he’d call it, opening his arms wide and smiling at the vision he saw in his mind, behind the wallpaper, the blood seeping from those walls…
But on the outside all she saw was a stomach too bloated to fit into her favourite clothes, a stomach to hide, a body to feel ashamed of.
Ashamed of being a woman.
Her eyes, now grey, unfocused and slightly puffy from yet another day of numb depression, slid away from the mirror, her hand dropping by her side, leaving a trailmark of nails, as if she wished to do the same on the outside as what was happening inside.
I wished to hold her hand, to smile at her and have her smile back but her mind didn’t want to listen. She closed her eyes as she turned away from the mirror, not wishing to see the sideview of herself when she should be admiring herself.
Is this what we’ve become? Shadows of ourselves?
She pulled an oversize tee over her curves, curves that had been worshipped by others, and even herself on good days, but there were few and far between.
Her skin, soft and the colour of a weak cup of tea, a description that made a smile creep to the corner of our lips, past the barriers of worlds she had created, there were cracks and I would find them all until I could shatter it.
She had hips like race curve tracks that she saw as a problem as she found many that had crashed on them and the guilt made her cover herself. I could hear her, telling herself she was nothing… So many more things that actually bring me physical pain to say outloud or written for those attacks weren’t only on her, they were at me too…
She sat infront of the laptop, her fingers wizzing over the keyboard, writing my words but she looked away, she looked past them, listened to the piano playing, the birds singing, anything to avoid me.
The girl with the freckle on her lip and the badly done tattoo on her wrist. Yeah, YOU.
You are beautiful.
You have eyes that freaking change colour! You have lips that although small, are the perfect shape to draw and curve into the most contagious smile.
Your button nose is centered between those rosy cheeks and highlighting your face are your expressive eyebrows that always remind you of your brother, for the string trick he used to do to make you laugh.
It’s okay to miss him, you know? It’s okay to wish things were different and that they were closer to you. But stop expecting that from them. Just because you want a frog to be a unicorn doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. But that’s okay too.
You’re doing okay, look at you.
You fight off depression every day, anxiety? Meh, you can fight him off too! And any other problem that comes in here and tries to make you fall.
You’re not alone either.
You have friends who care, even when you don’t talk in months, even if you sort of dislike them sometimes because they can be obnoxious or they you because you’re being irritable, those people? They are your friends and those people can be your family.
They have seen the worse in you and the best and they are still here, they still let you be you, even steal their glasses design so now you’re twinsies, haha!
You’ve been loved by some amazing people. Some not so, but they have all tought you something, haven’t they?
It’s okay to miss them too, or maybe just the feeling, but you can, just don’t drown yourself in it. Glance back and then do what you’ve gotta do, which is keep going.
Now, let’s go to bed, our ass has a doctors appointment in the morning and it’s past two am.
We can talk more tomorrow, we have a lot to catch up on, I have a lot to show you.