Time.

Time for myself… I don’t mean to go to a spa or anything like that, I just mean space, to think, to breathe a sigh and not have someone ask why. It’s so rare… So hard to come by and so necessary.

I feel really sad today. One of my primary school teachers came into where I work, as a waitress, floor staff at a local zoo, it’s a cool place and I love working there but she was so disappointed to see me there and I sort of am now too. I wanted so much when I was younger, a higher education being a must on my list and I never got there, never made it and it terrifies me to think I may never get there. I say I will but, will I really? After working so long, dreary desk jobs and harassing waitress ones…Will I really be able to go back to studying, if so, how?

I just have so many things on my mind and saying them out loud just seems to make them so much worse.
I just want to run away. Again.

IOU

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If I could, I would rather run away than lay here and pretend everythings okay one more night.
But I can’t, because if I broke your heart I’d break myself into pieces for doing it so, my best friend, my amazing M, I’ll lay here again, side by side, hands touching, your warmth lulling me to sleep, pretending that everything will be okay in the morning, that it’s just a bad patch and that we’ll be together forever.

All because of one thing that hasn’t changed, although everything else has.

I love you.

Just Let Me Go.

The past is a beautiful thing. It’s terrible and can be crippling if you contemplate it for too long, you find yourself wondering “what if…” and can slowly destroy yourself, only to one day wake up from it and realize you’ve wasted years trying to change the past while wasting your present. But like all bad things it’s also amazing. In our pasts are the reasons that make us what we are, each lesson learned, every cut and scrape, every smile, every hug, those people that can’t be there now for whatever reason, they are all there and they always will be.

Even patients with demencia or alzheimers remember them, their parents, their lovers, people that hit them hard and stayed with them even with a crippling illness slowly stealing their souls, they hold on to those faces, those moments from their past.

Our memories are beautiful, like a photograph, forever there although we fear they aren’t, although there are names and faces we can’t place, they are there, a part of us holding onto them forever.

I wonder if we feel that pull somehow… If someone misses us so much, remembers us, how can it be we can’t feel that…It seems imposible to me, it can’t be that we feel so much and they don’t…We are capable of conecting on so many levels, somehow, somewhere we must feel a niggle, an itch, hear their voices, smell their perfume…

It can be a horrible feeling sometimes, making you sick to your core. Someone who destroyed who you were, crushed you and you still feel that, still remember that smell, that touch however much you want to forget it. Like I said, it’s a love-hate relationship I have with this world of ours.. I see both sides and can never decide with which I agree as both have good arguments. Like a well placed security camera I see everything and it makes it so hard to love or hate.

I’ve just realized how much I go off topic.

I know it’s because there are things I feel I need to talk about but don’t have the courage yet… Like a puppy been hit once later cowers away. In time dear ciberspace I shall reveal all, in my own way and time this magicians cards shall be on the table for all to be seen.

Maybe that way finally I shall be free.

Silence please.

I was always told to think before I spoke and because of that never said many things I should have, some haunt me to this day some make me laugh and thank my parents for making me learn that lesson. In school they plead with us to unleash our minds, to be creative and show what we think when we write, to act on our beliefs then we leave school and that becomes social suicide fast track. In work areas we are to be quiet unless asked otherwise and even then we would be stupid to say what we really thought. Trick questions asked, how are you, how do you feel, do you think this is correct, how do you do this, did so and so say this… Holes they allow us to dig for ourselves and later fall in on all fours and scramble around in the dark that suddenly surrounds us in that moment of desperation. Should I tell the truth or what you want to me to say? Should my opinion be voiced or locked in a box, only to come out in the form of steam later on… So many things we’re told to keep quiet, we’re turned into human time bombs, only to explode once alone or with loved ones. Damage control unavailable at the time of the accident…

Silence that creates broken people, broken spirit and broken hearts.

Silence that can heal a wound, that can reassure the uneasy or triple the fear.

Is it for the best or is that just another lie we tell ourselves to allow our cowardice? 

Is it easier to keep quiet or to shout?

If we didn’t silence our voices so often would the world be a better place or a worse one?

Truthes that either make or break us.

When is the time to decide?

Freedom.

Now a days it’s very hard to have a secret.
Social sites sell our souls to the people we least want. It may be our bosses, enemies, families or like in my case, my friends. We all have secrets, if we like to admit it or not we have them. We may not even realize until someone mentions it and you freeze, your heart beating like that of a humming bird, so fast you feel faint and then you see, that was your secret, and now it’s nobodies.

You may think it sounds sad that I keep secrets from my friends but that’s because you haven’t sat in my seat, walked in me shoes as they say, or felt the things I have. Some have, many have felt worse, but this is my way of dealing with it all. Everybody has one, some cry about it to everybody, some scream and some turn silent. I feel that if I smile everything will be okay. Smile they say, they’ve all told me to smile my whole life and it’s finally become an automatic reaction to bullsh*t.

Smiling. 

So here I go, day to day, talking about my problems once and then pretending to put them behind me like a normal person. Walking forward and smiling.

SO anyway, here is going to be my world, I shall say what I like, as many times as I like and when I feel like doing it. I don’t expect many to read this, I hope to be lost in ciberspace, free to talk and vent to the world whilst being completely invisible. It’s a rare treat and I shall savour it.

Welcome passersby, welcome lost boys.

I am Rain and this is my fire escape.