I can feel it coming.
You’d think it’s better knowing somethings going to happen before it does… You’d think so.
But what about when it’s something you’re helpless to avoid?
Something that will destroy you..?
Would you want to know?
It hit me this morning.
It hit hard.
It’s like a storm, first comes the calm, that gentle cold breeze that makes you pull your coat in a little tighter, like the last day of autumn, you feel tired, it’s your minds monday state, words hit harder, you can feel pain just a little more, hardly enough to tell the diference unless you’re a pro like me…
Then the pounding starts… Your body feels heavy as if you were carrying lead in your skin, dreamless sleep ceases to exist and you awake as if you’ve travelled instead of sleeping, being pulled through time zones with no place to rest your head. Your eyes now have a purplish tint around them, the blue turns grey, people start to look at you funny, asking if you’re ill, if it’s contagious…You apply double makeup to hide it and make them happy to work with you again (how simple) but you know that tomorrow there’ll be no saving yourself from the black eyes that could have been made by angry fists yet are only there as a reminder from your body that it’s nearly time and there’s no going back now, as if there ever was, as if saving yourself from it was ever an option.
You tell yourself it’s a migraine, nothing more, the dizziness will pass, the pain will move on to another part of your body, there’s no mercy here.
Cry, there’s no one that can help you.
Today the anger starts to set in, yesterday it was just irritation, your anxiety on edge but it you could handle it, today full blown fury is there, just under the skin, hidden inbetween your bunched up muscles, tight with stress… Your whole body is wired and exhausted at the same time. Like a snowball effect, once started on a roll it will create a disaster you have no strength to clean up. It will destroy you, again.
Today’s delight was crippling pain creeping in from the toes to the hips as you try to walk home. You try to tell yourself it’s okay, you know this pain, just walk slow, stop every 5 steps, stretch, yeah, that should help… 5 steps… Stop and repeat… The burning sensation pulling you to the ground, people start to stare as you hobble home, feet making slapping sound as your feet refuse to bend and cooperate.
The pressure’s too much, you’re about to blow, your partner is powerless and takes his anger out on the dog, withdrawing into his world which makes your heart ache, it’s all your fault… Or is it? He doesn’t help, or does he? Do you trust him? Is he driving me mad or am I already there? You can no longer trust your insticts, you can’t distinguish between his faults and yours, there’s only anger, a burning fire blinding you, making you forget how much you love eachother, how much you care… What’s real? Is anything?
You rest your legs and swollen feet and your back suddenly decides it doesn’t want to lie down, the neck sending shooting pain through her head making it impossible to relax…
You can’t even tell her friends anymore as they just say they are excuses and they slowly disappear and along with them, your support. They don’t understand how much you wish it was that simple. They don’t know how much you needed them, to keep you aflote, to help you survive when your body is hellbent in destroying you.
The doctors fob you off with tablets and insults “you’re just fat, it’s just hormones…” and your mind is breaking. Go away, find courage, go back, leave again, more broken than the last time…
Every day gets longer and harder…
And still she fights, even knowing that she’s in the descent now, the black dog has nearly arrived. It feels like it should be raining yet there’s the sun, blinding her and forcing her to pull away from the window. The cruelty of being a prisoner in your own body.
It’s here again… It’s only been weeks since you started feeling like a person again yet it’s back to claim more of you, how much more do you have left to give? How long until you can call it a day and not be blamed..? How much more does the world expect you to do with no help, like a school project, is it half done, have you been tested enough? Have you passed..? You feel broken, knowing less now than you did when it all started…
All I know is it hurts. Everything hurts, every day.
And now you know too.
I know my enemy. I know when it’s coming and still I’m unarmed, I’m unable to save myself. Oh I know my enemy, my enemy is me.