October 2016

It was beautiful while it lasted.

When it’s been some of the hardest months of your life and you’ve been a complete dick to the person you love and you wake up and he’s still there.

I woke up this morning to hear him singing to the puppy about having breakfast, even though he’d only slept 5h, I fell back to sleep smiling to be woken up with flowers and that huge smile of his, just because he likes to see me happy.

I can’t begin to express how grateful I am to have him in my life, holding my reluctant hand through anxiety attacks and depression, holding me to sleep and not walking away when I lose control.

I’ve lost so many people in my life because of anxiety and depression, because I was ashamed to admit I had a problem, because I was afraid of being judged, of being called insane when hiding it was making me exactly that.
I really wish people understood what depression means. It’s not a bad day, it’s not that something happened, its not a way to call attention to yourself, it’s definitely not a joke, it’s a dark cloud that envelops you, tells you to sleep and not to talk to anyone. It’s losing control of your feelings and yourself. It makes outside seem like your enemy and your body ache as if you’ve been beaten up, you forget what hope is, it seems never ending. It makes you run away from open arms when all you want is a hug. Your nightmares don’t stop when you open your eyes. There are good days and bad days, you can smile right through it whilst you crumble inside, everyone lives it differently and not everyone survives it, because you know deep down that even when this cloud has passed, another will come, you don’t know when but you know it will. It’s something that makes me rethink the idea of having children as I don’t want them to have to live through my attacks because I know there will be days, weeks, where I won’t be able to face them, their needs, their little faces will become my enemies.

Please don’t take depression lightly those who don’t suffer it an those that do, please seek help and survive. It’s worth it, try to remember that even when it screams at you that it’s a lie. It’s not, there will always be someone that cares, be brave, be strong, reach out. Find us, we are here. The survivors.

I don’t think I’ve ever asked for anyone to share a post but please please PLEASE, if you’ve read this and have felt this way or know someone that has, share it, you really don’t know, who could need it the most might be the person you least expect and believe me, knowing you’re not alone can save your life.

Amazing as it sounds, it’s true, I promise.

 

 

 

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…And it’s Not Even Halloween Yet.

I can feel it coming.

You’d think it’s better knowing somethings going to happen before it does… You’d think so.

But what about when it’s something you’re helpless to avoid?

Something that will destroy you..?

Would you want to know?

It hit me this morning.

It hit hard.

It’s like a storm, first comes the calm, that gentle cold breeze that makes you pull your coat in a little tighter, like the last day of autumn, you feel tired, it’s your minds monday state, words hit harder, you can feel pain just a little more, hardly enough to tell the diference unless you’re a pro like me…

Then the pounding starts… Your body feels heavy as if you were carrying lead in your skin, dreamless sleep ceases to exist and you awake as if you’ve travelled instead of sleeping, being pulled through time zones with no place to rest your head. Your eyes now have a purplish tint around them, the blue turns grey, people start to look at you funny, asking if you’re ill, if it’s contagious…You apply double makeup to hide it and make them happy to work with you again (how simple) but you know that tomorrow there’ll be no saving yourself from the black eyes that could have been made by angry fists yet are only there as a reminder from your body that it’s nearly time and there’s no going back now, as if there ever was, as if saving yourself from it was ever an option.

You tell yourself it’s a migraine, nothing more, the dizziness will pass, the pain will move on to another part of your body, there’s no mercy here.
Cry, there’s no one that can help you.

Today the anger starts to set in, yesterday it was just irritation, your anxiety on edge but it you could handle it, today full blown fury is there, just under the skin, hidden inbetween your bunched up muscles, tight with stress… Your whole body is wired and exhausted at the same time. Like a snowball effect, once started on a roll it will create a disaster you have no strength to clean up. It will destroy you, again.

Today’s delight was crippling pain creeping in from the toes to the hips as you try to walk home. You try to tell yourself it’s okay, you know this pain, just walk slow, stop every 5  steps, stretch, yeah, that should help… 5 steps… Stop and repeat… The burning sensation pulling you to the ground, people start to stare as you hobble home, feet making  slapping sound as your feet refuse to bend and cooperate.

The pressure’s too much, you’re about to blow, your partner is powerless and takes his anger out on the dog, withdrawing into his world which makes your heart ache, it’s  all your fault… Or is it? He doesn’t help, or does he? Do you trust him? Is he driving me mad or am I already there? You can no longer trust your insticts, you can’t distinguish between his faults and yours, there’s only anger, a burning fire blinding you, making you forget how much you love eachother, how much you care… What’s real? Is anything?

You rest your legs and swollen feet and your back suddenly decides it doesn’t want to lie down, the neck sending shooting pain through her head making it impossible to relax…

You can’t even tell her friends anymore as they just say they are excuses and they slowly disappear and along with them, your support. They don’t understand how much you wish it was that simple. They don’t know how much you needed them, to keep you aflote, to help you survive when your body is hellbent in destroying you.

The doctors fob you off with tablets and insults “you’re just fat, it’s just hormones…” and your mind is breaking. Go away, find courage, go back, leave again, more broken than the last time…

Every day gets longer and harder…

And still she fights, even knowing that she’s in the descent now, the black dog has nearly arrived. It feels like it should be raining yet there’s the sun, blinding her and forcing her to pull away from the window. The cruelty of being a prisoner in your own body.

It’s here again… It’s only been weeks since you started feeling like a person again yet it’s back to claim more of you, how much more do you have left to give? How long until you can call it a day and not be blamed..? How much more does the world expect you to do with no help, like a school project, is it half done, have you been tested enough? Have you passed..? You feel broken, knowing less now than you did when it all started…

All I know is it hurts. Everything hurts, every day.

And now you know too.

I know my enemy. I know when it’s coming and still I’m unarmed, I’m unable to save myself. Oh I know my enemy, my enemy is me.

 

Countdown.

I really don’t know how much longer I can do this.

I used to brush it off, it was just a bad moment, it would pass.
That’s what people must think when they shout in the snow covered mountains… Just a moment of insanity and an avalanche was born, they suffocated.
I’m suffocating now, with forced normality, forced calm.

The world seems to grate a lot harder on me than on others, I used to think I was strong, I’m not anymore.
Like a rock turned to sand over time by the gentle caress of waves, their dancing foam slowly washing away everything that made me, me, just like the rock, I can’t recognize myself in this sand I’ve become.
Made of glass and bone, swept along, unable to be what I was destined to, waking up is painful now, just knowing I have a whole new day ahead of me, I can’t face it.
I’ve alienated all of those around me, been called crazy, a monster, maybe they’re right, I don’t know anymore, I don’t know me.

They tell me I’m hurting them but they don’t want me to leave yet it hurts so much to stay.
Is is more selfish of me to want to leave or of them to want to force me to stay?

I can hardly breathe, I wish I wasn’t anymore. I wish it would just stop, go dark and the pain would turn into numbness, unaware, I’d be free and freedom sounds like the loveliest thing.

The pacive part of me is turning to active, each time there are less reasons to stay, more to go. All I do is hurt people, wouldn’t it be better to hurt them in one go and then them never suffer me again?
Surely it would be preferable to a lifetime of annoyance, leaning my weight on them.
Surely they know nothing when they ask me to stay, why say it’s for them when they earlier said I only hurt them?

Do they only want me to stay to liberate themselves of guilt? The “I could have helped her, I should have…” the “whys” and “what ifs…” for the rest of their lives…?

I’ve began to think that way, each time more and more.

I have so much to give you world but my time is running out, I can feel it.

I feel myself slipping, my hands reaching for the medicine drawer, each time I care less the dosis I take, I only waver thinking of the consecuences if I fail.

How absurd is it that for trying and failing to take your own life you will be sentenced to jail… ? Your body in shreds along with your mind and all they think of is punishing you, instead of trying to give you help long ago needed. The world is fucked up, surely it isn’t just me that feels it, that can’t stand it… I can’t be alone but no matter how much I scream out, it seems to be in vain, for loving ears turn deaf to things they aren’t ready to deal with.

My throat is sore for begging, I don’t want to do this, I want help, I’ve spent years od my short life asking for it, screaming for it, how can nobody listen?

It terrifies me to contemplate the amount of people that have felt this way, lost in the system, ignored by the world for not being like them, silenced by the air that gave them life. All my life I’ve wanted to help them and now I can’t even help myself.

I beg of you, if you really love me, if anyone really cares,
take my hand, take me to a doctor, someone who will listen, I’ll go, I have a story to tell, I need to tell or surely it will kill me.

I won’t fight you, you claim to want me to stay, we’re on the same side, I’m fighting  for this too.

I always thought I could save myself but how can I save myself from…me?

I’m losing a battle that will determine the outcome of a war, don’t let me lose.

Please, somebody hear me.

Welcome to The Runaway Cafe.

30minutes.
Day two.

 

She sat on the couch, quietly gripping her coffee mug.
She heard a noise, or was it the silence that was deafening her? Making a drop of water seem like a thunder clap, the solitude was suffocating, yet she was the one that had cancelled all her plans… Again. Outside the sun was shining, too bright for her blue eyes and sad soul. No-one would believe it was nearly November.

She lived five minutes from the beach, a beautiful white beach that stretched for kilometers… She craved the feeling of sand beneath her feet, between her toes, her hair crazy in the wind, waves washing away her shadows…
But… That meant going out.
Out there.
Her soul sank with the realisation of what that meant, and she hadn’t even touched the water yet.

She could do it.
Biting her lip she took a deep breathe and unfolded her legs from under her. They trembled slightly as she got up, her head spinning. It’s hard to believe how something so simple can be so hard.

She peeled off her t-shirt and strolled to the shower, letting the cool water cascade down her body, at that moment everything seemed better than it was, always a waterbaby, it was her favourite place in the house.

She sighed and reached for her towel. You can do this! She thought to herself, pushing herself to the wardrobe to search for something to wear.
Finally after searching she found what she was looking for. The biggest t-shirt she had. Pulling it over her head she reached for her shorts and stopped.
No… She was fine… Wasn’t she..?
Her heart started beating like that of a hummingbird, her body suddenly jumpy and sweating… She could hardly swallow for the ball in her chest.
Her head pounding she slid to the floor, taking deep breaths, she could do this today. She wanted to go to the beach, so why why why did she feel this way? Why did this always happen?!
Tears sprung to her eyes, once again her body was giving in against her minds tricks.

She couldn’t find the strength to make her legs work.
The room that five minutes ago was filled with a beautiful afternoon light, a breeze running through the house, suddenly felt menacing. It started to close in around her. The light taunted her, the breeze had gone. The light was no longer beautiful but burning, scorching her pale skin, she could feel her skin screaming for mercy, her heart beating faster… Faster. The comfortable tee she had pulled on was strangling her, restricting her breathing… Too hot… It’s too hot. She could hardly breathe, her eyes swimming in and out of focus…
The soft material was scratching at her, pain striking all over like needles, she gasped and tried fruitlessly to release herself from her material prison…
And in a flash the fury arrived, like a lightning bolt through her body, the control of her limbs lost to her, her knuckles struck wood and bruised instantly, the pain only making her angrier.
-You’re WEAK, this was STUPID. YOU ARE STUPID! What a stupid idea! The beach? Yeah, right. Why would anyone want you there? They’d just stare at such a weirdo. Her mind snarled at her, the flow of insults spinning around her head.
Yanking the tee over her head she made herself into a ball in a dark corner, hating everybody she could hear in the street. How dare they pass by here laughing? Taunting her suffering?

And just like that the anger dissapated. Gone before she could control it, control herself… And in its place was the darkness it fed off… Her insides a hollow, cold, echoey place where the black dog that had her soul lived.

She reached for the door to help herself up but couldn’t even raise her hand anymore…
And so she gave in, the tears rolling down her coloured cheeks, her eyes grey, the blue bled out. What was the point in trying? She wondered how long it would be until she would see herself again, until he let her go, and for how long this time..? Surely this couldn’t last forever… Could it?

They say after the darkest hour comes dawn…

So there she sat, hugging her knees to her chest, in the corner of her beautiful room, waiting for her sunrise.